BITCH

My mom.
UGHHHHHHHHHH.
Well here is the long story short, my mom texted Austin some things that pissed him off when we broke up which is PART of the reason why he didnt contact me.
I am pissed.
He texted me today.
I was happy.
He probably will be going to a Braves game with me.
IF my mom is not going.
:] I hope we go alone.
I want him to come.
It'll be a BIRTHDAY gift.
I miss him.
I love him.
Ughh, i STRONGLY dislike my mother right now.
This is not the FIRST time she has done this. That made me upset.
What kind of mother does that?
I cannot wait until I get out of here.

"How do I fix what is not broken"

That is your status.
What does that mean?
I am blank.
I don't know what to think of that.
You put that as your status 20 hours ago.
What does it mean?
I have a question, how do i fix what IS broken? How do you find something that is LOST?
Well, that something is my heart.
I want you back.

I try talking to guys. I am willing to go out with someone.
But they will never break this wall. Or make me feel the way you made me feel.
I will compare, but there will be no point of anything.
But oh well.
I am sick of being so lonely.
I want more than God.
I want you, but that is out of the equation.

I found out that matthew has been talking to other girls too.
I don't know why that suprises me.
If he talks to one girl while having a gf, why not more?
And I dont understand why I have such an amazing guy in front of me, yet, I dont want him.

I WANT YOU.
UGH. This frustrates me.
Why am i still hurting after 4 FREAKIN MONTHS!

Prom night

Its like a ritual, you like your date, and I know the ritual.
You are gonna ask her out.
That doesnt nother me that much.
But I love you. No matter what.


I had a break down last night about you..
I dont know the particular reason. I miss you soooo much.
I have been in the state of depression for a long time.
I can hide it pretty well.
I try to hide it with smiling and "happiness".
I deceive many ppl. So that is good.

It feels like bc you aren't here, my life is going into a complete waste.
The only person I have is God.
I am thankful for that.

The one thing that made me know you care is that you still look at my facebook.
:] That made me smile.
But that smile turned into tears.
I love you too much, I need to stop.
But love never stops. It is always consistent.

Anyways, I gotta go...

I

I could have been going to Prom with you last night.
I miss you.
I think about you everyday.
I want you back.
I want your family back.
I want what we had again.
I dont want to hurt anymore.
Why do I still think about you regularly?

Prom night

I could be going with you.
:[ I love you.
I miss you.
You still are a sharp knife stabbing my heart.
And quite frankly, it hurts. a lot.
But you know what!? I am going to have fun,
I wrote poems about you.
I'll type them up.


2 Questions:
Why did you leave me?
and Why is this excruciating pain still ripping through my chest?

A few simple words..

I miss you.
So freakin much.
You are coming into town, and I am going out..
:'[
God, I love you.

Heart

My heart aches for you.
I am dying slowly inside.
I miss you.
I want you.
I love you.
It's crazy how I still love you.
My love for you is evolving.
Love evolves in order for it to survive.
:'[ I cried for you today...

Days go by.

Not a day goes by without me thinking of you.
Life is hell without you.
I miss you so much.
It has been so long.
I bet i don't pass your mind... AT ALL.
:'(

Once Upon A Dream

I have come to a conclusion.
It all was a dream.
Everything was a dream. Well, could I say nightmare? I say that it is a nightmare because it affected me so badly that I remember so every little detail about the dream, and it haunts me all the time.
Nightmares do that.
According to Yahoo Answers; a nightmare means: An event or experience that is intensely distressing.
According to Merriam-Dictionary; a nightmare means: something (as an experience, situation, or object) having the monstrous character of a nightmare or producing a feeling of anxiety or terror

It's just a dream that I had.
It all went so quickly, I had to gather my thoughts about everything so quickly.
I hate that I had to wake up from this terrible occurance.
If I had stayed asleep through it all, it might have had a good happily ever after.
But, Life has so go on.
You can't just sleep forever, can you?
Well, if you committed suicide (not what I am thinking, don't worry), your whole body would be asleep, not just your mind.

I don't get what the deal is with brains.
I don't understand the function that they serve.
It makes me sick.
It makes me sad.
It makes me depressed.
It makes me think.
It makes memories come back so vividly.

I had a 3-day weekend this weekend, and it was the FIRST time I have had to think about everything. That is why I have come to this conclusion.
I dont know whether or not this thinking thing is good for me.
It makes me sadder, it makes me even more depressed.
It digs a deeper hole for me to get out of.
People THINK that I am a strong person.
I am NOT. I AM NOT A STRONG PERSON.
I can hide it well.
I say I am great, fantastic, awesome bc I want you to think those things.
I like to deceive you people.
Y'all are so gullible. It actually gets ridiculous.
I cannot fathom how much y'all can be tricked and deceived.
I am not quite sure if I like it.

I noticed that I don't want to do anything.
I noticed that I don't want to communicate with ppl.
I noticed that I don't want to be with my friends.
I noticed that immaturity is getting more and more irritating.
I am noticing I am not who I am.


It is/was all a dream.
End of discussion.

I know what it is..

I want someone to love me the way you did.
That is why it hurts, that is why I am trying to find someone..

Ha

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax,

we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married,

I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you,

you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

Hmmm

Yesterday was unusual.
I was happy. Strange. I miss you, but I am loving life WITHOUT YOU.
Dont come back to visit me.
oh and the CRAZY thing I realized is that you said you missed me and wanted to be friends, but yet, you DONT have the time of day to text a simple word like HEY.
Wow. Shows your friendship.
That is ok.
I have befriended EVERYONE that you HATED.
:D Brilliant. I know.

Literal Roller Coaster

I love how I feel that I am handling something so well, and I am over everything, well for the most part, and then I see something or hear something and go tumbling back to the beginning.
It's a wonderful feeling. Hence the SARCASM.
I cannot BELIEVE you would do this.
Seriously?
A girl with brown hair, in 10th grade, AND in BAND!?
Are you FREAKIN kidding me? Sooo many curse words went through me.
I broke down and cried.
I had just gotten done with a mournful banquet and here you are saying you had a GREAT night with this chick.
Wow. Says a lot.
I might as well say, "I had a great time making out with your best friend"
Yeah, that is what I feel like.
I feel like CRAP!
My heart is empty, I am on the verge of tears again.
Ohhhh AND to top it off...
I HAD A FREAKIN DREAM ABOUT YOU!
It was a good dream at the moment until reality woke me up.
I hate those.
They make me want to go crazy.
Thanks for replaying all of this again.
It's like I am your own VOODOO doll.
Wonderful.

OH.MY.GOD.

My heart just dropped fifty million feet.
:[
WHAT THE F***
How can this happen to me, omg. I hate this. He found someone else.

On the verge...

All of the sudden, I feel empty again...
I don't like this..
I still miss you, wanna be with you, want you back here, love me, wish you'd talk to me...
But most of all, I wish you CARED.
Cared about me and about how we USED to be. :[
I miss you.
I love you...
This reminds me of you.
Everytime I think of you, I feel like I get a "jist" of what death feels like..


We pass in the hallway as if strangers to each other
your eyes are cold and your presence is dead.
Am i suppose to miss you?
Am i suppose to care?
The emotions i have once shared with you seemed like a fable from ancient times.

I feel nothing for you
Nothing at all.

Memories of you seem like a movie on a projector
The pictures seem life-less and the pain feels empty.
I can't remember your smell, i can't remember your voice.
Aren't i suppose to miss you?
Aren't i suppose to care?
You seem like a myth i made up for entertainment.

I feel nothing for you
Nothing at all.

My body heaves with empty tears. I want to hate you
I want need you. But the words are so lack less and the desire so easily ignored.
Why can't i miss you?
Why can't i care?
If only i can remember the sound of your heart the feeling of your skin. But i can't and i won't

Am i a fool to want to feel something? Am i a fool to be begging to feel something, anything! I want to be able to hurt when i see you, i want to be able to feel some kind of true connection to you. But I'm numb.

I feel nothing for you.
Nothing at all.

Upside

:] I had a horrible day, mainly bc I failed a test, but the concert was awesome.
My solo wasn't awesome, but it was ok. Happy with it.
I went out to DQ afterwards and talked to my friend.
She relates to me in every way, we both have amazing guys but we just can't have them at the moment.
That is ok.
Everything will work out in the end.


Ohhh, I need to find a saint name, difficult decision...
Grr.. :/
God Bless you. I love you in every way.

Hello Sunshine!

Wow. So life is actually going pretty well nowadays, yeah I still and sad about what we lost, and what we had.
:[ I still get teary, but that is what happens when you love someone.
BUT, I found someone better. We have been talking quite a bit.
He is like you, only not, I can talk to him for endless hours, just like I did last night. I met him a week ago, and have learned so much. The thing that catches me the most about him is that he can read me, he is the only guy that has ever been able to figure me out.. it makes me curious.
I really like him, and I am glad I have someone to get my mind off of you.
It helps a lot. I am not thinking of you every single waking minute of the day.
I am so blessed, I dont even know what to think.
All I know is that God has introduced me to this guy to replace what I have missing.
It still hurts, don't get me wrong. I still think about how you "said" you loved me but really didn't. But that will never go away.

I thank you, GOD. I thank you for what you have done to me. :]
It makes me a stronger person inside and out.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I love you.

Band Days

MMMmmmmm, they always make me feel so good.
Hanging with all my band geeks is so fun.
I miss them so much. if there were to be a school with just these kids, omg, it would be so awesome!!
But I still think of him a lot. Yeah it hurts still, but I am glad I have ppl to distract me. I love them.
I love everyone!! Ahh I am blessed to have ppl like them in my life.
:] God Bless.

Stupid Mistake

So, I was in the loving mood bc you know, it is Valentine's day, and so I texted him and said, "I love you, I haven't said that in a while and so I wanted to say it."
and he replies,"I can't say it back, I miss you. I'm sorry."
:[ That makes me sad. He doesn't love me.
He said he misses me and that he likes me and he wants to be friends.
Wow. I SHOULD not have said anything.
I mean yeah, it hurts, but dang, he doesn't even love me?
Ok. This is it. I need to move on. This is a sign that I need to.
Ok. I got this.
Ohhh and he said my mom told him to be straight up with him, so he is.
WHAT THE HELL!?

Snow Day!!

Wow. Today has been so great!! :]]
I was asked to practice with Varsity last minute!! That was exciting. I miss playing basketball so badly! I am so glad Coach asked. It seemed to get my mind off of things so I gotta keep my mind busy!!
Then after practice, it started snowing! I freakin LOVE snow with a passion!!
Lol. I made a HUGE snowman!! She is homecoming queen and a UGA Fan! :] she has a watermelon mouth too!! haha
I had a great night last night too. ;]
But the bad thing is, is that I still miss him like crazy and would be with him in a heartbeat. But I feel like God is filling in this hole. Not completely, but enough to where I am not depressed all the time.
I am still in love.
But it happens right?!
Oh well! Maybe down the road!



Sunday is Valentine's day!
Plans:
Church!
Nursing home!! 10-12
CBV: Dinner, Axiom, Cake, Movie
Great time!!!I am excited.

(Kinda sucks not having him here to be my love, but I am gonna have a BALLIN time!!)

Blank

All these emotions I have cancel each other out.
Therefor, I feel nothing.
I can't determine whether or not I like it or not...
:/ Who knows... it could be a good thing, right?
I still have to type up my letter but I am too lazy to do that.

Oh and I found a song that reminded me of you...
"Even if you are a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, i'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, i'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, i'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever try sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don't you hold me, need me
I thought you told me, you'd never leave me

Looking in the sky i could see your face
And i knew right where i fit in
Take me, make me, you know that i'll always be in love with you
Right till the end

So tonight, i'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, i'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could've told you right from the start it's 'bout to fall apart
So rather than hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And i could find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight
I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight, i'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, i'm gonna find a way to make it without you"


On a good note:
- Today I asked my "second" mom to be my confirmation sponsor and she teared up and said she would be honored.
I am so happy about that. She is the most amazing person I have ever met in my entire life, and I know she can get me through everything that is going on.



PS. I am still in love with you.
Is that ok?

Ughhh. I FREAKIN hate you.

I can't be happy because of you, you freakin douche bag.
I hate you.
Thanks for SCREWING UP my FREAKIN life.



(I wrote you a letter today, I will post it later.)

Seriously?

I don't freakin understand... this pisses me off sooo freakin badly. WHY am I still hurting. It has been a week. I am sick of hurting so much. You are NEVER coming back to me so why am I still holding on? I am trying to let go of you but I can't! I am so frustrated!! It seems like I need you. I need to be able to talk to you.
Why does all this have to be so gay? I wanna move on.. but I can't.
i.HATE.you.
You make me feel like crap. Butthole.

... miss you..

I still miss you.
I want things to go back to normal when you loved me.
You never talk to me anymore. I hate this feeling. I am still empty, and nobody can replace how you made me feel.

Letter 2

I feel better today. A lot better. I am still empty though. and I am still really angry with you. Right now I am getting to the point that I am accepting the fact that you didn't love me as much as you said you did. AND I dont think you loved me as much as I loved you. It sucks. I was willing to do anything to stay with you. THAT is how much I loved you. It's crazy how you tell me you love me first but I am the first one to get heart broken. I know for a fact that I am taking it harder than you. Well you're a guy, you can get over anything in a day. That's what sucks. Girls take it so much harder. Oh well, I have DEFF learned my lesson. But I know, once you come here, and I see you, all my feelings are gonna come back. I hate you.

Drugs

My friends are my drugs, when I have them, I feel amazing. I get my highs, but I am never FULLY satisfied bc there is only so much they can do...

Letter 1

I miss you. I don't know what I can do without you. I woke up this morning singing "replay" (your song) in my head over and over again. Whatever I wanted to do to stop, I COULDN'T. I could NOT stop singing. I tried to think of something else, but I COULDN'T. I hate this. I woke up empty. Like nothing can fill in the spot you took away from me. There is a hole in my throat. I can't eat, everytime I do, I get sick to my stomach. But I am, I am eating just because it is for my well-being. Everything I do reminds me of you. How am I supposed to get over you when you have done nothing to hurt me? How am I supposed to get over you when I think about you nonstop. I woke up this morning thinking about how I won't be able to call you on the way to school. Tell you Good Morning and "I love you, have a wonderful day, text me when you wake up". I can't text you every freaking waking minute of the day. I am angry. I don't understand why this is happening.... I don't. Why would God hurt me SO badly? This feeling is the absolute worst feeling ever. Because of you, I am not going to trust another guy with my heart. My heart is in Kentucky. It is with you. You have stolen my heart. I want it back. I want all this pain to go away. If I get my heart back, I would be happy again. Well, partly. You made me believe in love at this age, I had fallen head over heels for you. I was SOO happy. Too happy. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew you were too amazing to be with me. But it is OVER now. DONE. We are no longer. I have never missed anyone as much as I do with you. Thanks.

I don't need you.

I don't. I realized today that I don't need you.
You break my heart, want to be friends, then treat me like crap. No. That is not how I roll. Sorry. I apologize for being a douche and you say "Its ok"
What the heck? That's not something I want to hear. But whatever. yeah it hurts like hell, but you know what? Screw you. I don't need you to bring me down.
I am in love with you. But I can't let you do this to me.
My day was only bad when I told myself it would be. But the moment I realized that it COULD be good, it was. I am very fortunate I have God in my life to deal with a heart breaker like you.
I wrote you a letter today, to tell you what you have put me through. I am not going to give it to you. I am going to continue to write them until the day I realize I am internally happy.
I love you. But this has got to stop...

Life's a B****

FREAKIN A.
Yeah so it's all over with. DONE. FINITO. We are no longer. I am so mad. But I saw it coming. I knew it was coming. I don't think he loved me. Silly me. Shouldn't have fell for that joke. He expects us to be friends. I can't do something like that. I am in love with this kid. I can't set aside those feelings and talk to him. It's not that easy, Whatever. Screw it.
Screw all of it.

Anger and Jealousy

I am so angry. I have no idea why. I just feel like everything around me is so happy. But I am not. It makes me so mad and pissed. I am not mad at God. Not at all. I am mad at myself. Actually. I have NO IDEA who or what I am mad at. I don't understand. Today was the first day I had tears since I last saw him. I miss him. Everything I do, I say "He would be here", "He would be able to pick me up", "He would be walking me to class", "He would be coming over right now", "He is the one that can make me happy", "He could be in the stands watching me.." Is this normal? I have no motivation to do ANYTHING now. I don't have any motivation to ask my friends over, I have no motivation to talk to anyone, I have no motivation to do well in anything I do.

I am jealous of everything that has to do with Austin. I am jealous of ANY girl he talks to. Why!? I used to be so secure and I KNEW nothing would happen. Now, I am not so sure. Ugh. This is the worst feeling.


I just want him back. Now.

Absence

His absence is killing me.
I am upset, abandoned, angry, and everything you can imagine.
This morning I woke up angry at everything, at time, him, myself, my parents. I don't know why. I was just mad at the world.
I have this depressing absence going through my mind that kills me... I hate it.
I don't understand why this could happen to me. Why can someone be taken away from me like this. He's miserable, I am miserable, my friends are miserable bc I am so angry and upset, and his friends hate him leaving, and supposedly my parents are hurting to see me hurt.
How could God hurt so many people at once? I love God to death, and I am not blaming him in any way, I just don't understand.
I have never been this angry at anything. I am not even quite sure what I am angry with. Today was an awful day. Only the start of an awful weekend...

PISSED

. I've never been so angry in my life.
That's all I have to say

Blank

As I lay in my bed, I just feel blank, and then I move the slightest bit and I feel wetness all over my pillow. I notice I am balling my eyes out without even noticing. My mother walks in to ask me what kind of bread I want and she notices and asks if I have been crying. of course, I say no. and she knows I am lying. She begins to cry and tells me she is there for me and I tell her, NO, I don't want you there, I want him there.

Before all this happens, I get asked to go to Kentucky for the weekend to see him. It is the BEST opportunity to go up there, his dad is here so he would take me, it's a 3-day weekend, and one of his friends is going up there. I ask my parents and they say no. I left the room and started crying and felt like punching someone in the face, or atleast the wall. But I decided not to. I have to contain myself. Anyways, I find out more details, and he said that his parents would make him sleep at his gparents house. So I ask them again tonight at dinner, and it turns into a maybe.
Yeah I understand that asking my parents to let me spend the night with my bf 6 hours away is a lot to ask for, but what is the difference when it comes to later on? None. I am praying to GOD that I will be able to go. I NEED to see him. I want to take every opportunity that is given to me, and I feel that if I don't take it, how will this ever work out, and it is a HUGE slap in the face.

Anyways, those are my thoughts on today... Thanks for reading them.
Pray for me please. Thank you. God Bless You. :]

State of Pain, Denial, Frustration

Have you ever hurt so bad that you have nothing left inside you? Like you are empty, and all that is there is emptiness and pain? Losing someone kills. I am currently going through this. I have lost the one that I love most, the one that makes me the happiest, the one that I know I can just look at and know EVERYTHING will be ok. But now, he's gone. 350 Miles away from me. It feels like someone just stabbed me in the freakin heart and said, "I hope you live even though, in a matter of minutes, you will have nothing left. Good Luck with that!" Yeah it definitely doesn't feel good. I knew that it was way to good to be true. I was so happy. Actually, too happy. Having someone taken away from you is the worst feeling in the world. I don't know how, or what to do to handle it. Maybe I am over-emotional. I don't know. I have never been through this type of situation. I am gonna live in constant fear that he might find someone else and be happier. I won't know what is going on there. Is it bad to want them to hurt as long and as much as you do? I don't want him to be happy if I am not. This is not something I am going to easily get over. I'm in love with this person. YEAH, I am only 16 years old, and yeah, I doubted EVER that I could fall in love in High School. Trust me, I always made fun of those people who said they were in love at the age of 16. But Karma just bites doesn't it? I am so frustrated because I don't understand how something can happen to such a wonderful person like him. Why would God want 2 people to hurt so much? I don't understand. What have we done to deserve something so harsh? Yesterday, he left, I was in complete denial when I woke up from a nap. I denied that he was gone. This just feels like I won't see him for this weekend. But it's not. I won't see him until another month. Which hurts when I think about it. I had so much fun yesterday except for when he left and when I stopped to think about how everything is going to be from now on. This is all and emotional rollercoaster. At one point I am happy, then the next, I am in a state of depression, feel sick to my stomach, get all bitter, ball my eyes out, and then I am happy again. I don't get it. Why does it hurt so much? It's not like we broke up, and it's not like I am never going to see him. I don't think I have EVER cared so much for a person.
All I can say is I DON'T KNOW. I have so many questions. Questions that my friends can't answer. They don't know how I feel. I hate being here alone, having nobody there to understand.
And another thing I don't like is that he is up with all his buds and I know he can get over it, but why can't I? I have my friends, but I can't get over it....