Seriously?

I don't freakin understand... this pisses me off sooo freakin badly. WHY am I still hurting. It has been a week. I am sick of hurting so much. You are NEVER coming back to me so why am I still holding on? I am trying to let go of you but I can't! I am so frustrated!! It seems like I need you. I need to be able to talk to you.
Why does all this have to be so gay? I wanna move on.. but I can't.
i.HATE.you.
You make me feel like crap. Butthole.

... miss you..

I still miss you.
I want things to go back to normal when you loved me.
You never talk to me anymore. I hate this feeling. I am still empty, and nobody can replace how you made me feel.

Letter 2

I feel better today. A lot better. I am still empty though. and I am still really angry with you. Right now I am getting to the point that I am accepting the fact that you didn't love me as much as you said you did. AND I dont think you loved me as much as I loved you. It sucks. I was willing to do anything to stay with you. THAT is how much I loved you. It's crazy how you tell me you love me first but I am the first one to get heart broken. I know for a fact that I am taking it harder than you. Well you're a guy, you can get over anything in a day. That's what sucks. Girls take it so much harder. Oh well, I have DEFF learned my lesson. But I know, once you come here, and I see you, all my feelings are gonna come back. I hate you.

Drugs

My friends are my drugs, when I have them, I feel amazing. I get my highs, but I am never FULLY satisfied bc there is only so much they can do...

Letter 1

I miss you. I don't know what I can do without you. I woke up this morning singing "replay" (your song) in my head over and over again. Whatever I wanted to do to stop, I COULDN'T. I could NOT stop singing. I tried to think of something else, but I COULDN'T. I hate this. I woke up empty. Like nothing can fill in the spot you took away from me. There is a hole in my throat. I can't eat, everytime I do, I get sick to my stomach. But I am, I am eating just because it is for my well-being. Everything I do reminds me of you. How am I supposed to get over you when you have done nothing to hurt me? How am I supposed to get over you when I think about you nonstop. I woke up this morning thinking about how I won't be able to call you on the way to school. Tell you Good Morning and "I love you, have a wonderful day, text me when you wake up". I can't text you every freaking waking minute of the day. I am angry. I don't understand why this is happening.... I don't. Why would God hurt me SO badly? This feeling is the absolute worst feeling ever. Because of you, I am not going to trust another guy with my heart. My heart is in Kentucky. It is with you. You have stolen my heart. I want it back. I want all this pain to go away. If I get my heart back, I would be happy again. Well, partly. You made me believe in love at this age, I had fallen head over heels for you. I was SOO happy. Too happy. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew you were too amazing to be with me. But it is OVER now. DONE. We are no longer. I have never missed anyone as much as I do with you. Thanks.

I don't need you.

I don't. I realized today that I don't need you.
You break my heart, want to be friends, then treat me like crap. No. That is not how I roll. Sorry. I apologize for being a douche and you say "Its ok"
What the heck? That's not something I want to hear. But whatever. yeah it hurts like hell, but you know what? Screw you. I don't need you to bring me down.
I am in love with you. But I can't let you do this to me.
My day was only bad when I told myself it would be. But the moment I realized that it COULD be good, it was. I am very fortunate I have God in my life to deal with a heart breaker like you.
I wrote you a letter today, to tell you what you have put me through. I am not going to give it to you. I am going to continue to write them until the day I realize I am internally happy.
I love you. But this has got to stop...

Life's a B****

FREAKIN A.
Yeah so it's all over with. DONE. FINITO. We are no longer. I am so mad. But I saw it coming. I knew it was coming. I don't think he loved me. Silly me. Shouldn't have fell for that joke. He expects us to be friends. I can't do something like that. I am in love with this kid. I can't set aside those feelings and talk to him. It's not that easy, Whatever. Screw it.
Screw all of it.

Anger and Jealousy

I am so angry. I have no idea why. I just feel like everything around me is so happy. But I am not. It makes me so mad and pissed. I am not mad at God. Not at all. I am mad at myself. Actually. I have NO IDEA who or what I am mad at. I don't understand. Today was the first day I had tears since I last saw him. I miss him. Everything I do, I say "He would be here", "He would be able to pick me up", "He would be walking me to class", "He would be coming over right now", "He is the one that can make me happy", "He could be in the stands watching me.." Is this normal? I have no motivation to do ANYTHING now. I don't have any motivation to ask my friends over, I have no motivation to talk to anyone, I have no motivation to do well in anything I do.

I am jealous of everything that has to do with Austin. I am jealous of ANY girl he talks to. Why!? I used to be so secure and I KNEW nothing would happen. Now, I am not so sure. Ugh. This is the worst feeling.


I just want him back. Now.

Absence

His absence is killing me.
I am upset, abandoned, angry, and everything you can imagine.
This morning I woke up angry at everything, at time, him, myself, my parents. I don't know why. I was just mad at the world.
I have this depressing absence going through my mind that kills me... I hate it.
I don't understand why this could happen to me. Why can someone be taken away from me like this. He's miserable, I am miserable, my friends are miserable bc I am so angry and upset, and his friends hate him leaving, and supposedly my parents are hurting to see me hurt.
How could God hurt so many people at once? I love God to death, and I am not blaming him in any way, I just don't understand.
I have never been this angry at anything. I am not even quite sure what I am angry with. Today was an awful day. Only the start of an awful weekend...

PISSED

. I've never been so angry in my life.
That's all I have to say

Blank

As I lay in my bed, I just feel blank, and then I move the slightest bit and I feel wetness all over my pillow. I notice I am balling my eyes out without even noticing. My mother walks in to ask me what kind of bread I want and she notices and asks if I have been crying. of course, I say no. and she knows I am lying. She begins to cry and tells me she is there for me and I tell her, NO, I don't want you there, I want him there.

Before all this happens, I get asked to go to Kentucky for the weekend to see him. It is the BEST opportunity to go up there, his dad is here so he would take me, it's a 3-day weekend, and one of his friends is going up there. I ask my parents and they say no. I left the room and started crying and felt like punching someone in the face, or atleast the wall. But I decided not to. I have to contain myself. Anyways, I find out more details, and he said that his parents would make him sleep at his gparents house. So I ask them again tonight at dinner, and it turns into a maybe.
Yeah I understand that asking my parents to let me spend the night with my bf 6 hours away is a lot to ask for, but what is the difference when it comes to later on? None. I am praying to GOD that I will be able to go. I NEED to see him. I want to take every opportunity that is given to me, and I feel that if I don't take it, how will this ever work out, and it is a HUGE slap in the face.

Anyways, those are my thoughts on today... Thanks for reading them.
Pray for me please. Thank you. God Bless You. :]

State of Pain, Denial, Frustration

Have you ever hurt so bad that you have nothing left inside you? Like you are empty, and all that is there is emptiness and pain? Losing someone kills. I am currently going through this. I have lost the one that I love most, the one that makes me the happiest, the one that I know I can just look at and know EVERYTHING will be ok. But now, he's gone. 350 Miles away from me. It feels like someone just stabbed me in the freakin heart and said, "I hope you live even though, in a matter of minutes, you will have nothing left. Good Luck with that!" Yeah it definitely doesn't feel good. I knew that it was way to good to be true. I was so happy. Actually, too happy. Having someone taken away from you is the worst feeling in the world. I don't know how, or what to do to handle it. Maybe I am over-emotional. I don't know. I have never been through this type of situation. I am gonna live in constant fear that he might find someone else and be happier. I won't know what is going on there. Is it bad to want them to hurt as long and as much as you do? I don't want him to be happy if I am not. This is not something I am going to easily get over. I'm in love with this person. YEAH, I am only 16 years old, and yeah, I doubted EVER that I could fall in love in High School. Trust me, I always made fun of those people who said they were in love at the age of 16. But Karma just bites doesn't it? I am so frustrated because I don't understand how something can happen to such a wonderful person like him. Why would God want 2 people to hurt so much? I don't understand. What have we done to deserve something so harsh? Yesterday, he left, I was in complete denial when I woke up from a nap. I denied that he was gone. This just feels like I won't see him for this weekend. But it's not. I won't see him until another month. Which hurts when I think about it. I had so much fun yesterday except for when he left and when I stopped to think about how everything is going to be from now on. This is all and emotional rollercoaster. At one point I am happy, then the next, I am in a state of depression, feel sick to my stomach, get all bitter, ball my eyes out, and then I am happy again. I don't get it. Why does it hurt so much? It's not like we broke up, and it's not like I am never going to see him. I don't think I have EVER cared so much for a person.
All I can say is I DON'T KNOW. I have so many questions. Questions that my friends can't answer. They don't know how I feel. I hate being here alone, having nobody there to understand.
And another thing I don't like is that he is up with all his buds and I know he can get over it, but why can't I? I have my friends, but I can't get over it....